Sunday, October 21, 2007

I don't care if you're a saint, any job's gotta suck if it's for all eternity

"Did you know that Saint Isidore of Seville is the patron saint of the internet?" Kelly asked over AIM, the beginning of many ill-advised conversation threads.

"I didn't know the name of the saint but I did know such a thing existed," I answered, glad that something else popped up to interrupt me from doing work that I needed done before Monday morning. I always manage to channel forces that I should be using for work into random (clarification: non-paying) areas so I had a feeling this would get good.

"There's like... 10,000 saints, so, if you're ever in need of internet assistance, pray to him. That's his job," Kelly said and added, "He does that for eternity."

"Hahah, seriously, I bet he gets some shitty ass prayer requests, man," I said.

"A lot of MySpace prayers," Kelly opined.

"I imagine prayer to saints working like an office message system," I started. "Like, as long as someone says a trigger word or to it gets filed over to them automatically."

"Seriously, God gets to hang on the compound's golf course and the saints are inside doing paper work," Kelly agreed.

I don't know if it's the fact that I've been working in a cubicle farm that's given me a decidedly cynical look on how saintdhood works, but I continued, "So someone might be looking at horsey porn and is yankin' it and he just goes, 'Oh God, oh God, oh Goooooooddd...Jesus, fuck, fuck!!' and it still gets forwarded to Isidore because 'Oh God' and 'Jesus' is in it?"

"Nah, I think the secretaries know that's spam pray," Kelly said.

I begged to differ, "I just imagine Isidore at his desk with one of those headsets on and he's in a particularly exasperating conversation with the department number crunchers and he's all, 'Yea, I know Marge...well, I'm sorry the numbers aren't good enough but do you know how BIG the fucking internets is?? Well, I'm trying the best I can, I...wait...wait a second, here's another one right now.'

"He flips on the switch on his computer where he can get an audio and visual connection for prayer request so of course as soon as he hits the button it comes in right when this guy's having his orgasm to bestiality porn.

"And Isidore is all, 'JESUS CHRIST! Fuck, no matter how many times that fuckin' happens...Marge? You still on? See? This is the bullshit I gotta wade through. How many of these do you think I get in a day? Think about THAT the next time you bitch at me about how the numbers are too low.'"


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