Oh, hey, so yea, I guess it's my birthday

I haven't had a birthday party in a long time. Like I'm pretty sure the last time I had one...I was like 12 or 11. Since then I haven't really done anything particularly birthday like. I don't know, my own birthday always kind of weirded me out. I'd forgotten my birthday was coming up until my mom called me yesterday. And then all day today the date would look weird when I'd see it on the computer and stuff and I'd realize, "Oh, yea. That date's my birthday." It's kind of ridiculous.

Twenty-six. Wow. Man, that's kind of scary as fuck. Just this past weekend some kid in my neighborhood tried to run game on me. I looked him up and down wearily (I was dragging my suitcase with me from the subway stop and I was pretty bushed) and just said, "Look, you're obviously too young for me."

His answer? "What do you mean? I'm 20."

Yeeeeea. That just made me feel older. God, 20 feels like just yesterday. I was all socially awkward and totally in love and the world was still had some mystery. And now...wait, you're expecting me to say I'm a cynical dried husk of a person. Actually, no. I KNOW RIGHT? I mean this is both surprising and not considering I'm not really a sunshines and puppies person to begin with. Let's be honest, there's really not much lower I can go with my cynicism and such. And that's good. I mean, I feel kind of grown up. I'm not gonna lie and talk about how I grew into my skin and shit, because, I don't think that's ever happening. Then again, I think I'm over the hysterics and bullshit of a lot of things. Difference between now and then is then I *thought* was over it all.

Now? I don't know. It's just life, man.

Tangent: This reminds me of a conversation I was having with my friend Joe about why I liked zombie movies. I was talking about how I always liked zombie films, not because it turned into this huge fad, but the thing that always scares me the most in horror films is the futility and bleakness of human existence. That's what's scary about life. That's why apocalyptic crap I can get into. When the Fearnet channel (come baaack) still existed on Time Warner Cable, I finally got to watch Hostel. I seriously laughed out loud watching that movie. I could not believe people were making such a bigass damn deal about gore porn when it had come out because it was just laughable. That's not scary. It was silly...anyway, around that time Joe asked me if I liked Haneke and then said that I was a terrible person with no heart (not because of Haneke, but because of the whole bleakness and futility bit). He might have a point.

Anyhow, I've been thinking I should do a bit more now that I'm older. Specifically, gotta be a bit more brave. So I guess I should try some things I've been only thinking about doing for the longest time ever. And I don't mean like my dream trips stuff, I mean like the attainable small stuff. For example, I keep thinking I should help out with the Big Sister/ Big Brothers program or BoostUp. Or on a smaller, more shallow scale, chopping off all my hair in a short, short style. Let's see what we can get done this year. Just this and that.

Oh, so my birthday party. Yea, probably not happening. I mean, I'm thinking maybe I'll plan a viewing party at the old casa of Zatoichi movies. I got an entire box set of a couple of the earlier flicks. Or old horror movies. That's always a favorite. I got a couple, but I've already seen these a couple of times, so if I go with that, I think it'll mean I have to find some other old horror flicks. Or maybe just do a viewing party of Top Chef Masters. I could even make mac and cheese in honor of Hubert Keller who is totally awesome. Though mine won't have prawns like his fancy mac and cheese from the dorm cooking challenge. But I can rinse the pasta in the shower like he did if people want the experience.