Saturday, July 28, 2007

The slow inexorable march towards douchebaggery

I fear I'm becoming more of a douchebag as of late. Or I'm just becoming more of a New Yorker by the moment! (Heeeeyoooooo! Come on, it was funny, kind of.)

So after maintaining for years that I refuse to purchase or wear sunglasses because they make me look like a douchebag, I have given in. I don't think sunglasses make you a douchebag per se, but I've never been happy with how I look in sunglasses. They were just not for me. Those who know me know I've had this same argument with my glasses for years.

I've always maintained I look like a dork in glasses. Not that everyone looks like one in glasses, but just as there are people who make glasses look like an extension of themselves, there are those that look as awkward as a sloth with a lorgnette in glasses. I am of the latter group. And not just that they look wrong on me, that they make me look like a total dork.

The reason I gave in to sunglasses are very...douchebaggy. Vanity has gotten the better of me. Remembering hearing somewhere that starting around your mid-20s is when women begin to lose the elasticity in their skin and where skin damage begins to set in permanently, I decided I needed a pair of sunglasses for the summer so that I didn't have crows feet by the time I was 30. Sadly enough, it's also the same reason why I've started taking multi-vitamins.

Even though I'm the type of person who always hated being in direct sunlight and would find shade to hide in and practically died in the summer, my bad eyesight made me sensitive to sunlight so I squint quite a bit in brightness whether or not the light is very strong or if I'm directly in it.

I decided to solve the douche problem the same way I solved my dork glasses problem. Look for the cheapest, most obnoxious pair I can find that I'm in love with.

I did not get glasses until I was starting college. I always had bad eyesight in one eye, but when I was going to pack and leave for school several hundreds of miles away on another continent, my mom became terribly worried about the mystery headaches I'd been getting throughout the years. I've had blood tests for it and even X-rays. Some doctors suggested maybe I was dehydrated (could be), but also sometimes I'd get headaches that had a lot of the typical migraine symptoms such as spots of light that'd warn me that soon the waves of nausea would hit me and I'd roll around in bed for the whole day moaning with an intense headache and feeling like I had to throw up. However, none of the doctors thought I had migraine issues.

So while getting a check up to get myself a prescription for glasses, I was informed that my right eye's eyesight was severely deficient compared to my left. I had been fine so far because the good one was carrying the brunt of the work. There was also a chance that this imbalance and eyestrain could cause...ah-ha! Headaches! Anyhow, it was suggested that while preferably I should maybe wear glasses, that I should at least have them around to wear while I was reading or on the computer extensively just to prevent further eyestrain.

So off to get glasses I went. Unfortunately, I dreaded this since I was pretty sure I'd find nothing that would look right on me. Sure enough, no frame, thin, frames, colored frames, everything just made me look weird. While my mom discussed in hushed concerned tones with the framesmonger about how to solve this problem I quickly scanned the display and decided on some thick, plastic, black frames. It didn't seem like it was trying too hard to look hip, it reminded me of the army-issued frames, and I figured, "Hey, if I'm going to look like Dorkstein McAsswipeston, let's go whole hog."

My mom AND the framesmonger both looked highly skeptical when I held them up, but when I put them on it was an "aaaahh~" type of moment. I had found my glasses, and at least I looked like an actual dork instead of a dork not trying to look like one and it worked.

I found myself in the same situation looking at sunglasses at one of the cheapo stalls on St. Mark's. I knew they were going to be the pair I bought as soon as I laid eyes on theme. The frames were a slight translucent red that melded into the magenta coloring of the shades. The actually hook part that went over your ears was silver with a kind of weird art deco type of design to it. I doubted myself and tried on a couple of others, but I ended up walking out the store with the red sunglasses and another pair just like it in black. I looked like a douchebag, but hey they were only $6 and I'm way more comfortable working the fact that I look like a douchebag in them than trying to find the most understated normal pair.


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