Thursday, January 10, 2008

The foundation to keep aging Hong Kong actors from making fools out of themselves

...wait, seriously? Dragonball? THE MOVIE?, really, you're joking right? Oh, hell no...

You know what? I honestly gave up a long time ago. Hollywood will continue to make fucking shitastic adaptations of things that have no right being adapted into movies, but you know what? I can deal with it. It's not my duty to stop them or anything. But seriously? WTF CHOW YUN FAT?

No, I seriously need to ask Chow Yun Fat "What the fuck, man?" Homeboy was my hero.

Oh my God, one of my most formative moments in childhood was watching "A Better Tomorrow II" and the final shootout scene where the shoot a house full of baddies THE FUCK UP, but then they all got shot and injured. The cops are closing in on them, so they just kinda go "Aw, fuck it" and wait for the cops to get them as their bleeding. That moment, with the three of them sitting in chairs in that carnage calmly awaiting their fate like it was ain't no thang...I cried. I did people. That shit was fucking epic. I was practically pumping my fists going, "FUCK YES! Some punks start some shit your homeboys? You fucking take them OUT, son. No matter WHAT!" I'm such a damn sucker for that whole brotherhood and loyalty stuff. It's pathetic to watch me blubbering while watching something like "Band of Brothers."

(skip to around 6:11 to see the verklempt-inducing moment I'm talking about, but try to watch it in it's entirety to get that build up)

(and in case you're curious about the body count in that final shootout)

Why does he keep doing this? I really don't get it. It just makes me so damn sad seeing these legends humiliating themselves in these endeavors to break it big in the States or something. And you know what's even worse? That in the end all the Rush Hours and Romeo Must Dies and Bulletproof Monks just make them laughing stocks. I mean, let's just say it. They must being doing it for the money, right? If they are that's totally fucking OK. Really. In fact, I'm so OK with it, I want to start a nonprofit. I want to get some money rolling in so we can pay Jet Li and Jackie Chan to just stop. STOP.

"Hi...this is 'Dragonball.' It's a movie that is coming out soon. Do you recognize this face? This is Chow Yun Fat. Him, and many others like him, are making really bad American movies.'Well, what can I do?' you might ask. You can do a lot, for just a little. For just the price of one coffee a day, you can keep a respectable aging Hong Kong actor from tarnishing his legacy. Start giving today and you will receive a letter and a picture from your adopted actor...please help, there are only so many licenses that can be shit on..."

And it's not like I'm all "ohnooooooooo Dragonball is SAAAAAAAAAAAACRREED!" No, fuck that, I fucking hate Dragonball. They played that shit into the ground when I was a kid and still show reruns. I escaped to America to get away from it only to find they show it here ALL THE TIME too. I'm sorry. I'm not poo-poo-ing Akira Toriyama's contributions to the world of manga/anime/video games, but fuck Dragonball. Also I really really don't know how a good movie is supposed to be made from this, no matter who's involved. Not because I hate it, but it's just too much going on at once. Sure Stephen Chow's a producer and that man can do no wrong, and if ANYTHING, he can make it possible, but this isn't a Steven Chow movie. He's a producer. Maybe he'll have some creative say in it, but he's not the writer or the director. And if this was a full-on Dragonball adaptation Steven Chow style, with his crew, I would actually look a little forward to it. I'd imagine it'd be a bit like his film actually based on "Journey to the West," which is funny since the character of Son Goku is reference to the Monkey King.

You know what's even more amazing? Scanning through to see who else is in this. One of them is Joon Park. Why do I point this out? Because the man is also in yet ANOTHER ridiculous movie adaptation (not that I'm not going to watch it, it looks awesomely bad), "Speed Racer." Well, more like a brief appearance. "Speed Racer" has RAIN in it too. What the hell? Is it, "Get Korean popstars to star in ridiculous American movies" year? I didn't get the memo. I feel a little left out.

I mean you, know Rain, even Colbert did that whole bit about him. He's kinda like the Korean Usher?

Joon Park was a member of the Korean boyband G.O.D.

Eh, I'm not trying to hate. Good on them if they got their break with this. Just, just...thought it was interesting.


Post a Comment

<< Home